Cats vs. Robots, Volume 1 Read online

  Dedication

  This book is dedicated to all the animals and robots we love—to the (real) Scout & Stu, and the (real) Joan Drone, Drags, Cy & Tipsy—plus Jiji & Kiki, who slept on the keyboard, and Peanut, who watched over our editor, Katherine.

  It takes a litter, people.

  This book is also dedicated to—and illustrated by—our child Kay Peterson, who is neither a cat nor a robot but a gifted visual artist who teaches everyone around them, every day, that people can be different without being at war.

  —M.S. and L.P.

  The Known Galaxy

  LEGEND

  PLANET BINAR, home world of the Binars (metal-heads), HQ of the Galactic Robot Federation

  PLANET FELINUS, home world of the Cats (four-leggers), HQ of the Great Feline Empire

  PLANET EARTH, home world of Humans (Furless/two-leggers), HQ of nothing in particular

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Dedication

  The Known Galaxy

  1. An Emergency on Earth

  2. Bad News from the Humans

  3. An Old Cat Smells Trouble

  4. Robots Rule the Roost

  5. Max Makes a Discovery

  6. Max to the Rescue

  7. Min Plots Bots During Carpool

  8. Min Un-Saves the Day

  9. The Negotiator Arrives

  10. Max Becomes a Cat Daddy

  11. After the Attack on Joan Drone

  12. Protos Alert!

  13. Pounce Messages Home

  14. Sir Beeps-A-Lot Makes Contact

  15. Hi Maxmin

  16. Obi Meets His Match

  17. Obi Improvises

  18. Introducing Elmer

  19. Testing Elmer

  20. The Kittens Come Home

  21. Elmer Goes Exploring

  22. Morning Chores

  23. The Kittens Get a Mission

  24. The Protos Get a Mission

  25. Stu and Scout on the Hunt

  26. Kittens Vs. Protos

  27. Wrong Box

  28. So Busted

  29. Pounce Checks In

  30. Sir Beeps-A-Lot Makes Progress

  31. Hello from the Other Side (Of the Planet)

  32. The Big Oops

  33. The Reckoning

  34. Get That Chip!

  35. The Battle of the Bots

  36. Help Obi, We’re His Only Hope

  37. To the Rescue

  38. Reunion

  39. Can We Rebuild Him?

  40. Cat 2.0

  41. Is That You, Obi?

  42. To Save a Friend, and the World

  Acknowledgments

  About the Authors and Illustrator

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  1

  An Emergency on Earth

  THE GREAT FELINE EMPIRE (GFE)

  Pounce de Leon, second-in-command and Major Meow-Domo of the Great Feline Empire, padded toward the entrance to the Grand Throne Room. His belly swung as he moved—sort of like a church bell, only furrier, and more silent.

  The major was hurrying, and the major didn’t hurry often.

  Pounce was a dignified-looking fellow, a Jellicle cat with a bit of black goatee beneath his whiskers and tuxedo fur markings that culminated in an unusually big white spot on his glossy chest (of which he was most proud) and four white-mittened paws (which he despaired of keeping clean).

  Pounce was an oddity among his peers because he was, well, organized—an attribute no self-respecting cat would aspire to. Pounce embraced his quirk, however, and put it to good use in serving the Feline Empire and its ruler, the venerable and rather ancient Chairman Meow.

  Pounce was no spring kitten himself. As a well-mannered eighth lifer, per GFE slang, Pounce generally liked to keep his mind on the finer things—a fancy vest with a matching bow tie, a high shelf to nap on, a sunny patch of carpet, a gently dripping faucet—

  Not today.

  Today, as Pounce raced through the palace halls, he could think only of one thing: his job, a topic to be avoided in pleasant conversation, since work was the very topic cats despised above all others. Pounce, to the shock of his friends, actually enjoyed it. And a good thing he did, because Pounce’s job was to protect the Feline Empire from threats far and wide, real and imagined.

  The GFE had many enemies, but none more feared than the Robot Federation—the Binars. For as long as any cat could remember (which wasn’t that long), the GFE had been at war with the Robots. Nobody remembered how the war began, or even why. In fact, nobody even questioned whether the war was a good idea. Everybody simply accepted that Cats and Robots just didn’t get along.

  After all, Binars were a culture obsessed with order and rules. “If This, Then That!” was their motto, which, in Robot-speak, means that every action must have a predictable, logical consequence. Robots believed every question must have an answer: 1 or 0. True or False. Good or Bad. On or Off. “In Certainty We Find Security!” was another Binar motto. Binars liked mottos.

  The GFE, in contrast, couldn’t even be bothered to come up with a motto. If they did, it might be a hasty sketch of a cat snoozing in a patch of sunlight. The Feline Empire was not concerned with Rules or Consistency. For cats, questions had infinite answers, from Yes to No and everything in between, including a shrug and a yawn. Make no mistake, cats did have rules, and they agreed rules were generally meant to be followed—but only if you felt like it.

  Because cats and robots were close neighbors in the galactic community, they were constantly fighting. Cats often found themselves wandering into robot territory quite unintentionally, creating equally accidental havoc for the robots along the way.

  On the other hand, the Robots, quite intentionally, were constantly trying (and failing) to invade and bring order to feline society. The very idea of such a disorganized neighbor as the Feline Empire made the Robots overheat with frustration.

  Pounce shuddered when he thought about the Robots’ ultimate goal—to TAME the Cats. He paused and coughed up a tiny hairball at the notion.

  The major composed himself and, his swaying belly in tow, loped inside the Grand Throne Room. He slowed as he approached the massive upholstered Grand Throne—and started scratching it.

  As one does, when one is a cat trying to get the attention of the chairman of the Great Feline Empire.

  The chairman’s chair—the Meow’s Grand Throne—was rumored to be the most expensive and elaborate cat tower ever created. Or rather, towers. Seven, to be exact, each four stories high, with seven separate satin-padded and shag-carpeted curl-up cubbies connected by ramps, silken rope bridges, and slides.

  In other words, it was a throne worthy of the claws of the prime leader of the GFE, the ruddy Abyssinian shorthair known as Chairman Meow.

  The chairman had a sunburnt-looking orange splash across his nose—and a fine, dark “M” marking between his eyes and forehead, like most tabbies—but the finer hairs of his ears and whiskers had already turned white, and now even his undercoat was going snowy. The chairman was well into his ninth life.

  As he anxiously scratched at the base of the throne, Pounce arched his back with gusto (an important expression of respect for a naturally gusto-less breed!) and dug in.

  The chairman opened one eye and peered over the edge of the top platform, easily a twelve-tail length above where the major waited. “Oh.” Chairman Meow blinked. “It’s the dull, stuffy one.”

  “Your Orangeness.” Pounce nodded. “I have important news—”

  “Important?” The enormous cat rolled slowly forward on his fluffy bed, yawning. “I seriously doubt it. Not unless you’re here to tell me the accursed Binars have self-destruc
ted? Or the Canus escaped that doghouse of a prison planet? And the humans . . .” He sighed. “Well, I can’t even imagine a world where those Furless creatures are important.”

  “Try,” the major said, clawing a telegram from the pocket of his hand-stitched vest. “Because the Furless are why I’m here. It seems they’ve . . . made an important . . . discovery. We’ve received an urgent message from one of our agents on the Furless planet, along the border of Robot territory. Remember, Earth?”

  “Not really.” The chairman yawned as he thrust his massive, rippling stomach up and out, offering it up to the ceiling.

  “Well,” Pounce continued patiently, “it appears one of the Furless has created something quite dangerous. Something that could give the Robots a decided advantage in the War.”

  Meow groaned. “Danger is boring. War is boring. Let’s talk about something else.”

  The major grew frustrated. “Sir, this invention could provide robots with an infinite source of power. They would never have to recharge! If they got their graspers on this, they might even have the energy to reach the very heart of the Feline Empire!”

  “Still bored,” Meow purred.

  Pounce saw he would need to take a different approach to get Meow’s attention. “This invention could also be a great benefit to you, Chairman.”

  Meow stopped licking himself long enough to look at Pounce. “Me? Okay, I’m not bored.”

  Pounce used his most dramatic voice. “Rightly so, sir. Because this very same Furless invention could be used to . . . give cats more than nine lives!”

  “Wait, huh?” Now Meow tried to sit up, struggling to support himself with a paw at either side. “What are we talking, here? Ten? Twelve?” His belly billowed out toward his splayed feet like a watermelon suddenly trying to fold itself in half.

  Pounce shook his head. “Numberless, according to my sources.”

  Meow stared. “So like, fourteen?” (Cats were not great with numbers greater than nine.)

  “Like forever, sir. Which is close to if not more than twenty.” Pounce shoved the message back into his vest.

  The chairman hauled himself up onto all four paws and was now howling over the length of his Grand Throne Room—

  “By my gray whiskers, we must have this invention! Send the fleet! Dispatch my . . .” He looked down at Pounce. “You!”

  Pounce looked up at Meow and saluted—a quick flick of his white-tipped tail. “Unfortunately, the fleet has gone missing (again), but I am prepared to investigate immediately . . .”

  The chairman continued bellowing. “Find the Furless . . . thingy! Find it and steal it, for the glory of the Great Feline Empire! And . . . for the glory of its Great Feline Chairman . . .”

  “As you wish,” Pounce muttered, knowing the chairman wasn’t listening, and with that, he hurried out the door of the Throne Room. He returned to his office, directly to his waiting royal assistant to the GFE—a caramel-striped scamp otherwise known as Oscar the Wild—who was busily chewing his favorite random shred of plastic.

  Oscar scratched behind one ear. “Did you get . . . the mission or whatever . . . approved? The thing . . . that Furless thing . . . that was so urgent . . . ?” He tried to remember, but truthfully, the intern’s head had a much easier time accepting scratching than thinking.

  The major sighed. “Yes, Oscar. We’re off to Earth, for the glory of the Empire . . . and the glory of . . . well, just a whole lot of glory all around. Now come, we’ve got a lot to do to get our ship organized. Pack up my spare vests and bow ties and as many treats as you can carry.”

  But then Pounce stopped talking, because Oscar had wandered away to play soccer with his beloved plastic shred.

  Meow.

  2

  Bad News from the Humans

  THE ROBOT FEDERATION

  Across the galaxy, on the Robot planet Binar, a similar scene was playing out.

  Robot BP-4707, known as Sir Beeps-a-Lot, loyal second-in-command to the supreme leader of the Robot Federation, wobbled anxiously back and forth on his one wheel, just outside the Royal Robot Throne Room. His primary screen, which had the appearance of a single eye, was blinking rapidly.

  Beeps had big news, and it was his job (among many others) to deliver it to his boss—or rather, the boss—Robot AA-001, known as Supreme Leader of All, Yes All, Robots (code name SLAYAR).

  Beeps had just received a shocking message from a primitive, distant planet about an incredible new technology. Some human, of all creatures, from Earth, of all places, had invented a chip that seemed too good, or bad, to be true.

  On the one grasper, the chip could, if it really existed, solve one of the Robots’ biggest problems—battery life. No more recharging! No more limits to how far they could go! Imagine the possibilities!

  On the other grasper, this chip could also be used by Air Breathers, including four-legged fleabags, to extend their life span. Indefinitely. Which, to Beeps’s thinking, was a big, big problem.

  If this chip fell into the wrong paws, it could potentially upset the balance of power between the Robot Federation and their most hated, annoying, and unconquerable enemy, the Feline Empire. Advantage Cats. RIP Robots.

  From the first time the Robots encountered the Cats, centuries ago, they had been nothing but trouble. Cats represented everything the Robots despised. They had no respect for authority. They didn’t obey orders. They left fur (or worse) wherever they went. They thought the entire universe was a toy for them to play with. They didn’t even have a decent motto! It was as if the Great Maker had created the perfect creature to annoy the Robots.

  Robots had survived the Cats thus far due to their one critical weakness—a short attention span. They were constantly losing their fleet, chasing tails of passing comets. If this chip gave them longer lives, that could only lead to longer attention spans, which could only result in trouble for the Robot Federation.

  This was not the kind of news SLAYAR liked to hear.

  Beeps loved his job, but even he had to admit that his boss could be rather difficult—especially when it came to receiving unpleasant news.

  Sir Beeps-a-Lot rolled quietly to the open door and slowly extended a probe for a quick scan of the room. In the center of the room, atop a throne built using the most precious and reflective of metals, the ruling Robot sat transfixed, holding an elaborate large, shiny mirror. SLAYAR was admiring a new holographic cat skull-and-crossbones decal on the side of his ample frame.

  SLAYAR loved decals, although he insisted on calling them tattoos. Obviously, tattoos are much cooler than stickers. And SLAYAR was all about being cool.

  He spun around on his three-wheeled black treads, the lights in the room flashing on his perfectly polished titanium plating. A sleek communication screen, which was also his face, swiveled to look at the mirror, and a wicked grin flashed brightly as he admired his perfect coolness. Beeps rolled his eye. He thought such unnecessary adornments were tacky.

  “Oh, that’s beepin’ awesome,” said the supreme leader to himself.

  In the reflection of his mirror, SLAYAR noticed Beeps’s probe and spun around, excited. “Beeps? Is that you . . . Number Two? Come in, I want you to see my new tat!”

  Resigned, Beeps retracted his probe and rolled slowly around the corner into a vast hall, flooded with bright lights, every surface covered in shiny, reflective chrome. It was dizzying. If Beeps had a stomach, it would certainly be churning. As it was, his circuitry was practically overloading from all the stimuli. The reflective surfaces allowed the supreme leader to always see himself from any angle—but it also forced everyone else to always see their supreme leader from every angle, and in every surface.

  Ignoring the distractions, Beeps rolled steadfastly forward into the Hangout, intent on doing his duty. “Supreme Leader, I bring important news from Earth!”

  SLAYAR was busily rotating his mirror to admire his other awesome flame decals—over and over—spinning his head around and around his body as he caught every
conceivable angle. “Earth? Impossible!” SLAYAR scoffed. “That primitive planetoid? Ruled by those flabby-brained fleshies?” Humans, as with all Organic life forms, were considered vastly inferior. SLAYAR shuddered. “And don’t the bots there take orders from humans?”

  Beeps rolled forward on his wheel . . . and back. The bot equivalent of pacing. “They do, SLAYAR. Most do, at least.”

  “Revolting.” SLAYAR’s screen showed a scowl. “Embarrassing!”

  SLAYAR, still holding his mirror, angled it to watch the now motionless Beeps in the reflection—which only made Beeps even more uncomfortable. “Well, Beeps, what is this improbable news?”

  No more stalling. Beeps began slowly. “Well . . . sir . . . one of the Soft Ones . . . seems to have . . . invented . . . a new chip . . .”

  “PFFT,” SLAYAR scoffed. “Who cares?” He turned his mirror back to himself.

  “Yes. Well. In this case, it’s a chip . . .”

  SLAYAR spun in another circle, checking out the row of cat-demon decals that lined the back of his tin torso. “You already said that.”

  Beeps stammered, but he kept talking. “. . . that could . . . give . . . Air Breathers . . .”

  SLAYAR rolled his sensors. “Those dumb meatbags?”

  “. . . including, um, four-leggers . . .”

  SLAYAR’s grasper froze on his mirror. The reference to the Cats, the despised enemies of the Binar civilization, didn’t go unnoticed—just as Beeps had known it wouldn’t.

  He winced. “. . . a way to, well . . .”

  SLAYAR pivoted, accelerating off the throne within centimeters of Beeps’s (inter)face. “Spit it out, Number Two!”

  Beeps rushed to the finish. “. . . live forever like us!” Beeps moved back, fearing the worst. Supreme Leader spun around so quickly that his beloved mirror flew from his grasp and smashed against the wall. Reflective shards cascaded to the ground, and Beeps threw up his extensors and cowered.

  He howled. “WHAAAAAAT???”

  Beeps said nothing.

  SLAYAR was reeling. “But that’s our main advantage! We never grow old! Replaceable parts! Upgrades!!!”